Uncensored!

D

how is it the best thing i've done is the worst thing i've done? i wouldn't be where i am now healthwise, wouldn't have been able to know so much do so much. wouldn't be risking losing such a good friend. i already lost amy and i don't want to lose D. that's why i kept my mouth shut for so long. and i finally convinced myself to really try and move on (even if it was obviously w/ the totally WRONG person) and then we had that weekend. and it probably meant nothing to him but it means everything to me because the fact is i do love him and i have for a long time. it's been a long time since i've even denied it. and now i'm stuck again unable to move on but going nowhere where i am. all i need is for him to say all we are is friends. that we'll never be anything more. if he really means that and will say that maybe it will make the what-ifs and maybes easier to let go of. but i can't w/ things hanging in the air. and i'd love to just say it to him but i can't lie. especially not to him. and god damnit, why can't this just work?! i didn't mean for this to happen but why did it? i don't get it. why won't he say anything about it? i tried to call tonite. finally got the guts to call and tell him to say what i need to hear and he didn't answer. he always answers when all i want to do is leave a message and tonite i could talk and he didn't answser. go fucking figure. obviously it isn't suppose to happen. and obviously he doesn't want it to and that's ok as long as i know for sure. i thought i knew for sure. it's his fault this got fucked up in the first place!! i had moved on and learned to be ok w/ things! merry fucking christmas all.

posted by LittleOne @ 2:02 AM