Uncensored!

A New Begining

I will keep this much quieter from people. I need a place to vent and here it is. I don't mind comments. Actually, I enjoy them, but there is no need for hatred. If you don't like me or what I'm writing, go somewhere else. There are a lot more places online to visit, OK? If you disagree w/ me, that's OK. Just don't come on here talking shit, especially shit you don't even know about. I am not better than you and you are not better than me. We are all human. We all laugh and we all cry and we all bleed the same. Unfortunately, I can't put my pic up for the time being due to former problems. Maybe sometime soon.
Blond hair (dirty blond naturally, died lighter, but sometimes I go darker. Depends on my mood) blue/hazel eyes that kind of change depending on what I'm wearing. 5'10, 125lbs (for the time being. This is a little too skinny for me) nice lips, cute little nose. Hmmmm.... 5 tattoos, all which can be hidden when necessary and are tasteful and meaningful, nose ring, tongue ring, belly button ring, mutlitple earings. I think that's enough detail for now.
Today I'm pretending Christmas isn't happening. This is my first Christmas ever w/out any family members. I've talked to a few but my husband hasn't called and that's kind of bothering me since he knows how I feel. We have a "different" relationship right now (apparently), and that may or may not be discussed later here. Anyway, we are the best of friends but he is far far away right now. I can't give much detail, him being in the military and all, but I love him with all my heart and I always will. There are just so many roadblocks and things happened in such a fucked up way that I'm not sure anything can ever be right now, no matter how much I want it. I'll get into that later. Now I think I hold onto false hope again. Haha, read Punishment in my last blog. (You can get there from here but you can't get here from there. Lol. If my dad could see that. Inside joke)
Anyway, this is more than I meant to post. I just wanted to give a little info and background. This is a sounding board for me and sometimes I don't post for a while. It may seem a bit depressing but that's because when things are going good I don't need to write. I write to get out what I can't say or do. So all in all my life isn't as bad as it may come across, I just don't always have time to share the good times on here. I'm sorry about that, but life is short and I'm too busy enjoying the good shit to sit and write about it. Oh yeah, one more thing. I was just recently diagnosed w/ narcolepsy, so if you read about that shit on here, that's why. I'm going to end my begining post w/ the last post from my last blog.

I can't believe they glamorize this shit!!
so i wanted to help because so many people online make this seem like it's cool. and kids today think it's cool. they do it together!! i wanted to puke when i read some of the shit. i want to help somehow. tell them there's other things. that they need to stop. you WILL regret it eventually. and you will have to try to hide it or make excuses for the rest of your life. there is nothing you can do about that. don't make it worse. there are other ways. i wish i remembered how i stopped. people ask me all the time...
what if i couldn't help people though? i cut cuz i was numb and i wanted to feel and it made me feel good. fuck the guilt, i would deal w/ that later. i wasn't thinking of that. i discovered it by accident and continued for years. more than i can count. what do i tell them to do? i didn't care then about how things would be in my 20s, 30s etc... i wasn't sure i would live to see 21 or even 18 @ one point. and it was the hardest thing ever to stop. and the most rewarding. i can't hide or change the past. that is one thing i wish i could. but i can try to help. no one should have to feel the embarrassment everyday. and it IS inevitable, whether you start at 10 or 50. and there ARE ways to help and stop. i wish i could tell you how, but it's not that easy. so all i can say is carry a stress ball, or a tennis ball @ all times. squeeze hard, throw hard, back and forth between your hands. buy clay and play w/ it always, get a punching bag. none is the same but eventually it will help. a little. and part of it is you. if you don't want to stop you never will. you have to want to find another way to deal w/ your shit. mine, partly, is writing (which i did before anyway). truth be told i didn't want to stop, the consequences had just become scarier. eventually i didn't want to anymore though. stopping was the hardest thing i ever did. and sometimes i still crave it and i've come damn close but i won't. i've made it too far damn it. i won't, ok? damn, i didn't mean to post like that. i really do need to change this url. i do still have things to get out i guess. sometimes i just need to vent to remind myself that it's ok now and how hard i've worked and how far i've made it. i want to pass that on somehow

posted by LittleOne @ 8:43 PM