Uncensored!

i'm so ridculously insanely beyond depressed right now it's not even funny. ok, maybe i'm exaggerating a bit. but i'm really depressed and i don't know why. i haven't drank or done any drugs, my sleep has been normal. i've been missing D something bad lately though. and julie was over w/ the fam today for sunday dinner. she just got engaged last week. she was wanting to see my wedding band. so i got it from my room and showed her and we were in the kitchen cooking dinner so i slipped it on my ring finger so i wouldnt lose it. it didn't feel wierd. you know how when you get a new piece of jewelry or haven't worn it in a while it takes some getting used to? it didn't. i didn't even realize i had it on until i glimpsed it in the corner of my eye later on. it feels right. i need to take it off. ok, i am taking it off now...
i catch myself playing w/ where the ring should be during the day alot, forgetting that it's not there for me to play w/ anymore. i don't wear any rings any more. makes it easier.
i tried to move on. met this guy, we'll call him R cuz D is already taken and i can't call him db cuz he's not my b/friend. it was supposed to be easy. not much attachment. have fun, be a little "couple" then he goes back home in 3 months. easy transition back into dating life. but i can't fucking do it. i miss D. i want D. everything i was scared of happened. i lost EVERYTHING. i've lost him completely. i lost amy completely. they were my 2 best friends. now what?
oh fuck, i didn't mean to cry. i'm not pmsing. wtf is my prob? hey everybody, pity party @ stacy's house!
sunday dinner was good, fun. i'm glad we're doing it again, even though angel got very upset last week that i don't have "my kids" (ABC and MJC) anymore. she honestly thought they were mine. CSB too. kinda funny.
why have i held on so long to something i know can never be mine? how could i have thought things would end up right? all i did is end up alienating one of the most important people in my life.
"well, you don't ever show you feel that way" how many times have i heard that one. i can't show my feelings and it drives them all away and i only can't because i'm scared of getting hurt.
oh, and R? HOW DARE you talk about chilling w/ someone i work w/ that i know you think is "hot"? are you just trying to make me jealous? make me regret i didn't go when you invited me??!! cuz all you did was fucking piss me off, give me a good reason to make this not work. you know why i can't be w/ you? because i don't like the way you talk about woman, and how you talk about being w/ them when i'm around. and despite the fact that you are usually really good to me, the times you weren't were bad enough to make me second guess my feelings. i really did like you. and i wasn't lieing about v-day, so that really was your fuck up, not mine.
i'm still fucking depressed. i don't know what to do

posted by LittleOne @ 7:53 PM