Uncensored!

D

Remember that first email you ever sent me? “Hello from the rock.” I don’t know why I’ve always remembered that. I don’t know what it said other than you were from Tewksbury and stationed in Oki. I had been in MI all week for my cousins wedding and you emailed me twice while I was gone even though I didn’t know you. For that reason I wasn’t going to email you back. But for some reason I did. I figured what the hell. I can always ignore him later. Oh, and I’ve always had a thing for Marines and you were stationed half way around the world, it would’ve been rude of me not to reply. That was 5 1/5 years ago, August 1999. Who would’ve ever thought we would become so close.
Lol, you used to wake my ass up @ 5:30 in the morning, paging me to go online (damn time difference) to talk on Yahoo. But that time difference came in handy when I needed to drunk dial someone! I always knew you were awake. There was something about you; you know you have that stupid charm. :-P Usually I would’ve gotten bored, but it was never boring talking to you. We always had something to talk about.
I was so nervous the first time I met you. I thought it was fucking stupid. I shouldn’t have any reason to be nervous. And I didn’t. We got along like we had known each other forever.
You’ve always meant a lot to me. You know more about me than a lot of people and I’ve always considered you one of my closest friends, despite the miles. You’d worry me to death when you would disappear, because how would I know if something ever happened to you? I was so happy when I found out you got stationed one state away from me. I would finally get to meet up with a long lost friend again. And I had you to talk to again. I had missed that.
Somehow, in all this mess we got the crazy idea to get married. Well, at the time I didn’t think it was so crazy. People would question me with this and that, but I had an answer for everything. I had done my research and I trusted you. I had no reason not to. I don’t think I would’ve ever done this with anyone else. It was the simplest of ideas, the greatest of ideas. I’d known people who’d done it before. At first I didn’t know if you were serious or not, I didn’t know what to do or think but once we planned things-3 weeks later we were married! And I finally got to go visit too! I thought nothing of it ahead of time. Sure, things had ended kind of oddly the last time we saw each other, but this was 2 years later. I had everything prepared down to the last little detail. Sometimes I forget that you can’t plan your feelings (nor did I consider that they might even come into play.)
Before I say anything else, I want you to know that I am in no way trying to get you to reconsider anything or make you feel guilty. There are just things I need to say and every time I try I can’t get the words out. I don’t want to live my life in regret because I was too chicken to say something. I know you don’t like the letter thing, but I need to do it this way.
Somehow along the way things got tangled up. We crossed a line we probably shouldn’t have, but it doesn’t matter because regardless, I still fell in love with you and I would’ve anyway. I know you don’t feel the same and I have come to accept that (although I will never understand what that conversation in November was all about.) I can live with just being friends, but I can’t live with being friends and hiding something. Whenever I talk to you lately I just end up getting upset because I can say what I need to say, to just get it out in the open. So now I did it.
Please, please, please don’t let this affect how we decide when we take care of everything. I’m scared of scaring you away, which is partly why I never said anything. I don’t want you to think differently of me or act differently towards me. I already hate that you couldn’t even tell me you were seeing someone. When did we stop being friends? That should be something we can talk about. Actually, in our situation, we definitely should be talking about it. Our conversation today really took me by surprise. I had a feeling something was up, but I didn’t realize how serious things were.
I’m really happy that you have found someone that makes you happy. You deserve that. You are a great person. You have never been anything but good to me and gone out of your way for me. I will always love you for that. You’re good to everyone, you deserve to have that in return. I really hope things work out for you 2 (I just realized I don’t know her name.) Us being together isn’t the issue I just want you to be happy. That’s what matters most.
You made a point of saying tonight that my friendship means more to you than I realize and I hope you meant it because the feeling is mutual. I would still do anything for you. And I don’t want her to feel threatened by how I feel because I would never try to act on anything, especially while you were in a relationship. Plus, I know you wouldn’t cheat on her.
I’m sure there’s more I wanted to say, but at least I got a lot more out this time than I did last time. You don’t need to respond to this letter, it’s ok. I’m not expecting anything out of this, I just needed to get out in the open how I feel. I’ll find me some nice toothless hick to hook up with here in the sticks. Lol. For real, though, let’s just be normal again, ok?
Let’s keep things how we ended our conversation-keep it open, see how things go with you two. We’ll decide when things need to be taken care of. And I swear I’ll start calling you again. You’re not the only one I’ve been blowing off lately.
I suppose I’ve rambled on enough for now. Just remember, this is not meant as guilt, pressure, or anything of the sort. I don’t expect anything out of this. I just needed to be heard.

Love Always,

posted by LittleOne @ 2:09 AM