Uncensored!

So is this how it ends?

Well, I just woke up from one of my wonderful little nighttime "naps." I hope I'm not up all night again.
D called tonight. Most of you know we've been having problems, although I thought things were getting better. Well, I guess to him our friendship is still strong, but he wants a divorce. I'm not going to contest or anything because what is the point? Why fight anymore if he doesn't want in the marriage. I'm so hurt, so scared, so lonely. I don't know what to do or where to go. I just want to scream. I just want to curl into a little ball and make it all go away. He's met someone else. The divorce is easy-we're putting it off for a bit so I can settle things w/ my doctors.
The thing is, I told him what he needs to do-go get the paperwork & file it when the time comes. We'll notarize saying what's in my name is mine, his name is his. Very simple. Explained that he files the paperwork, we get our day in court and then he can be done with me. He paused and was like "I hope I'm not DONE with you. We've been friends forever!" I know he loves me but it hurts so bad that he doesn't love me like I love him. I don't know where things went bad. This other girl knows about me, knows the whole situation. I asked him wouldn't it be wierd, would she be cool w/ him talking to his xwife? He said he's already told her we've been friends forever and he still expects to remain that way. I don't want to lose him completely. I hope I can manage to be able to be just friends.
I said something later on in the conversation joking around, I don't remember what it was, and I said "oh, I see how much you value our friendship." And he got all quiet and said "I do. More than you realize. I really do." The way he sounded when he said that. He kept asking if I was ok, he seemed really concerned. I think that he's been wanting this for a while and now has decided to tell me because he was very very concerned about how I was feeling, if I was ok. Of course I lied through my teeth, was an idiot, never once said how much I love him, how much I want him here. I just said it was fine, I was fine. Whatever he wanted.
This is why I can't keep a relationship in my life. Because I am so scared of being more hurt that I can't say how I feel. I tried to hint around to that and maybe he got it and maybe he didn't. I just want to hold him. I look back and if I knew that last time I saw him would be the last time we would be "together." The last time we would hold each other like that. I should've treasured it more.
I have nobody here. I can't go home, I am so screwed credit wise from when I was on disability. I'm stuck here and lonely and I can barely get to work on a good day and I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm sorry this is so long. I may or may not be around the next few days. I don't know how I'll feel but I think I'll need the support right now.

Thanks for listening

posted by LittleOne @ 1:17 AM